Tag Archives: birthday

the greatest gift

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“There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself.” – Hannah Gadsby, Nanette

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Today is my 42nd birthday, and I’m celebrating the fact that I finally feel ready to share a personal trauma after (many) years of learning and growth. Trigger warning: domestic abuse. At age seventeen, I had an intoxicating romance with an older man, and soon after we moved in together. I was seeking to escape my turbulent home life, but (in hindsight) ended up essentially trading one trauma for another. Before too long, I was living with a stranger. Having become an empath due to a complicated childhood, I gave so much energy trying to help heal that person, while it was me who needed it most.

I spent ten years – TEN! in that co-dependent relationship, enduring soul-crushing emotional abuse as well as being physically hurt and threatened. I lost friends that tried to warn me and pushed anyone away who told me it was toxic. Thankfully an amazing therapist encouraged me to attend a CoDA (co-dependents anonymous) meeting, and the wealth of knowledge and support I received there changed my life. After a few months of attendance, I summoned all of my courage to end the relationship, and began the journey of acknowledging that I was worthy–of so much more.

There are too many people who silently suffer abuse, fear for their lives, or never get the chance to speak out. October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I’m sharing my story so that others might feel seen, and take that next step. Time most certainly does not heal all wounds, but I’ve reached an age where I can look back without fear. In the process of healing myself, I’ve only become more unique and resilient – like the Japanese art of Kintsugi where they repair pottery with gold – my “scars” are my strength, and I’m celebrating the fact that I feel stronger than ever…it’s the greatest gift.

this is 40

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“I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be.”

Joan Didion

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Today is my fortieth birthday and surprisingly, I have not been dreading this day. On the contrary – I’ve been eagerly awaiting it. The quote I shared really resonates with me, as I’ve lived a lot of life in my forty years and have naturally evolved. I’m most certainly not the same woman I used to be, but at the same time, I’m enjoying going back to my roots in many respects. Having been a wife for over ten years now, and a mother for seven, my identity and needs have been somewhat in the background for a bit. I believe my forties will be a decade of bringing those back into focus, finding more balance, and making more time for myself. So many of the women I know and admire are in this decade of life and I hear it’s one of the best. Of course, this age does not arrive without the clichés…despite my excitement, I found myself having what some might call a crisis over the past few months (to include shopping for the motorcycle I’ve always wanted, lol). Reaching a (hopefully) mid-life point does seem like a natural time to assess where you are in life. Am I exactly where I want to be, on both a personal and professional level? The honest answer is no (although it’s close), but to expect things to be perfectly aligned right at this moment in time is of course, unrealistic. I’m really happy though…damn. I am happy.

thank you for all the love + birthday wishes

birthday perspective

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The surgeon called me on Friday. I had just dropped the kids off at school and figured he was calling to check on how my wound was healing (for those of you who follow me on Instagram, I shared a little bit about my recent excision in Stories). He asked if I was driving, and then he asked when I would be home—and then I knew. Although the next thirty minutes were a bit of a blur, my shaking hands managed to scribble the following random yet oh so heavy words on the back of my daughters girl scout sign-up form: pathology. sarcoma. rare. CANCER. I called my husband and he rushed home.

I was unsure if I should share this kind of news here, but then I realized…if this isn’t what community is for, what is? Tomorrow is my 39th birthday, and despite what you might be thinking, it will be a happy one. I feel good, despite this scary diagnosis. I don’t have any signs or symptoms, beyond the scar on my chest. I know how lucky I am, as this cancer is treatable (in most cases) and has a very high survival rate. To quote one of my kids’ favorite movies…”yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift – that’s why it’s called the present.” – Master Oogway

Thank you in advance for your support –  I promise to share more as it unfolds, as much is still unknown. For now, I’m going to love my family a little harder, live life a little fuller, and eat an obscene amount of birthday cake. Ok that’s not the truth, it just sounded great – I’ve actually been eating keto for almost a year now and have never felt better. Oh, the irony.

P.S. you’ll find more information on my type of cancer here + a health update here

our hudson valley getaway

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I had never heard of Copake Falls, New York before this trip. A modern Airbnb farmhouse is what brought us there – it was close enough to everything and aesthetically our vibe. The town itself is incredibly quaint and charming (I mean, just look at that church – it now serves as their historical society). With direct access to the Taconic State Park, it’s perfectly situated for nature lovers. While I wouldn’t describe us quite like that, we do love to bike as a family, and had every intention of doing so. However, after some issues with the house (long story) that robbed us all of sleep, we ended up lounging around, walking around town, and baking. Regardless, the quality time as a family was priceless.

 

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The home is incredibly photogenic (part of why I chose it), and I enjoyed capturing it. When I’m not feeling required to create content, my creative juices flow freely. Unfortunately we had mostly dreary weather while there, and the home was a bit darker than portrayed on it’s listing. I had to get extra creative with my photography, and thankfully had my tripod with me to play around with long exposures. I don’t normally do that, so it was a great learning opportunity – I’m proud of what I shot and edited! The kids are almost always eager to be “models”, and are showing a lot of interest in photography themselves. I think it’s time to get them (kid-friendly) cameras for Christmas – thinking Polaroid, but recs are welcome!

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thirty-seven

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“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

Anaïs Nin

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Tomorrow is my thirty-seventh birthday, and I’m feeling…reflective. This has been a tough year for us as a family, and for me personally, which I wrote about here. I also recently vented on Instagram, and was blown away by the response and support. As with any difficulty in life, you can focus on the weight of it, or you can choose to live in the light. While I’ve spent a good bit of time doing the former, I’m currently striving for the latter. The quote I shared above really speaks to me, especially right now. While I’ve experienced a lot of growth, I’m still discovering what this chapter in my life is teaching me. In the meantime, I have a lot to be thankful for, and having two four-year-olds around me 24/7 is a great mood lifter and reminder of what is most important in this life. All you need is love, and I’ve got that in spades.